I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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