god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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