yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
