I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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