Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
