So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Randomize
