two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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