final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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