Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
