You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Randomize
