I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
