I'm so fucking centered right now
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
