I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
