Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize