dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
