Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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