Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
i think i just lost a toe
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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