we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
