you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
