Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
