Princesses don't give blow jobs
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
