They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
