Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
how drunk are you?
Several
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize