i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
