JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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