I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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