New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
