Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Randomize
