What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
