he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
