if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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