I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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