Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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