fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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