I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
