WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
