just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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