I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Randomize
