you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
