someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
