I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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