took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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