I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
