im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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