Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
