yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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