so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize