maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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