I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
