Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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