Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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