i jhust puked up my retainher.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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