planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She told me I should be a condom model.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
