Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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