My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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