can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize