So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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