i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize