I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
