I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize