Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
