Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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