She is in my trunk
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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